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The 8 Rules of Love - How to Find it, Keep it, And Let it Go

Jay Shetty, published 2023

https://jayshetty.me/blog/jay-shetty-on-8-rules-of-love/

The subtitle of The 8 Rules of Love

Find It 

How to Find it, Keep it, And Let it Go made sense, as one of the most popular online searches, according to Google Search predictions, is "will I ever find love." Although the title contains the word "find," Jay Shetty refers to building and creating the love you want.

Our culture constantly searches for love, passion, and soulmates, but we don't discuss actively doing something in this direction. The book aims to create a mindset shift to help us stop searching for happiness and start making it ourselves.

Keep It

The second part of the subtitle refers to keeping the love we found or created. In Jay Shetty's vision, "keeping something is a lot harder than creating it." As a result, many upstart businesses stopped growing, and many one-hit-wonder artists never produced a second hit. Maintenance is essential in any aspect of our lives, including love.

There is a misconception that things should remain the same if they are going well. We reminisce about happy moments in our lives and get lost in nostalgia. Instead, we should strive to create new memories and bring ourselves and our relationships forward.

We need to focus on growing. Our parents and teachers keep track of our development when we are young. They measure our height regularly, test our knowledge to see how much we've learned, etc. But once we finish our formal education, be it school, high school, or college, we stop tracking our growth.

We start living the same life day after day. It happens the same way with relationships. Often, marriage is the ultimate goal. But once we achieve it, things start to slow down in the relationship because we lose sight of our next milestone. 

"If you don't set growth, if you don't set new targets, if you don't set new, organic milestones, that's why life becomes boring....Keeping something is not about keeping it the same. Keeping something is about being open to change," Jay Shetty explained.

He hopes to trigger yet another mindset shift, in which we take it upon ourselves to keep developing throughout our lives.

Let It Go

People tend not to want to let go of what they already have. But sometimes, it is crucial to know the difference between experiences and people that come into our lives to serve a specific purpose and those who are meant to stay.

Jay Shetty quoted a proverb attributed to Imam Al-Shafi'i in saying, "What is meant for you will never miss you, and what misses you is never meant for you." We must understand that sometimes people come into our lives to either teach us a lesson, give us a blessing, or simply mess it up, and then they move on.

Recognizing the differences between the people entering our lives will allow us to realize that every encounter has a purpose. This is the third mindset shift explained in The 8 Rules of Love.

Why Write About Love Now?

Over the years, Jay Shetty has created many videos, posts, and podcasts dedicated to various topics, but the most consumed ones were about love. It seems our generation searches hard for the meaning of this word. We all want to experience that happy, warm feeling that love promises.

However, we are yet to have a general definition of love. Although it is the most overused word in the English dictionary, it is also the most underdefined.3 We learn about it from the media, movies, or our parents. Yet many of the descriptions we know are either limited or straight-out unhealthy.

Harvard psychologist Tim Lomas analyzed 50 different languages and discovered 14 types of love.4 This finding means that we all have our unique definition of what this emotion means to us. We all experience it in a way nobody else can feel or express for us.

Best Marriage Advice?

The biggest mistake we make after getting married is seeing the wedding as a finish line. We married the person we love, and we can start our happily ever after. However, the reality couldn't be further from this ideal view.

As others have suggested, we must treat getting married as a starting line instead of a finish line. Jay Shetty's advice is to "expect your relationship to change, and hope for it to change, and even work to make sure it changes."

If you enter a relationship with the mindset that, despite your best efforts, things will also go south from time to time, you will have fewer unpleasant surprises along the way. It is essential to understand that the hurdles you overcome with your partner will strengthen your bond. This is how marriages have flourished over the years.

What If I Don't Want To Be In Love?

Psychologist Karin Arndt said, "Being alone well is an art form."5 We learn that love means being in a relationship with someone else. However, we must first love ourselves to have a healthy love relationship.

Jay Shetty believes self-love stems from self-respect. So when you follow up with your commitment, you will start to respect yourself. Then, you will begin to love yourself.

If we set an unreasonably high bar  others, we will feel let down when they don't meet our expectations. Instead of depending on others for our satisfaction, we can learn the art of being alone and enjoying our own company.

The 8 Rules of Love offers practical tools to learn more about yourself and your partner. Inside, you can also find quizzes and questionnaires to help you understand unique parts of yourself and your loved one.

What About Dating Apps?

Technology made it easier for us to connect with others. Yet, the dating world is full of challenges. This is not the fault of any particular dating app but in how they are used. 

A study showed that more than half of online daters lie in their profiles.6 This makes it almost impossible to find a suitable match based on their information. It causes a challenge if you are looking to find your person online.

Moreover, having a plentitude of potential partners at your fingertips creates the false impression that there are always better matches. And so you keep on swiping left or right. Another study showed that we are inclined to make poorer decisions with more options.7

Jay Shetty suggests that you take your time to find the proper connection. He believes it is more important to dedicate more time to one person and learn all about them, rather than "relationshopping" behind a screen.8

Love Is Everywhere

Jay Shetty challenges the belief that love is hard to find. In his eyes, love is everywhere; we just need to look around and see it.

Romance is only one of the many types of love. This emotion hides in simple gestures such as holding the door for someone or bringing soup to a sick person.

If you want to learn more about love and yourself, you can pre-order The 8 Rules of Love and read all that Jay Shetty researched on this topic.

Healthily using dating apps involves a clear intention, openness, and a high tolerance for refusal. Fear of rejection is one of the biggest hurdles in finding a great match. But you need to understand that everyone experiences rejection at least once in their lifetime. So if you build up the courage to put yourself out there in a sea of "no's," you will find your "yes" that matters.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on "8 Rules of Love & Why You Shouldn't Ignore Them" now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay's website at jayshetty.me